Sick Sense of Humor
by wootangscented
Summary: Gabriel makes a pitstop at Constantine's, the demon slayer couldn't be more put off. Takes place a week after the movie. Gabriel interpreted as a MALE in this. Written for enjoyment only. Slash. Don't like it, bite me. Chapter 2 now here!
1. Default Chapter

PLEASE READ THIS VERY BRIEF AUTHOR NOTE:

A fanfic I wrote when I randomly decided I wanted to write a slash that WASN'T Constantine/Chas fic (not that I've ever written one). My first fic posted on this site, one of the few fics I've written since grade 8. And uh, yup, this is Constantine/Gabriel. Just trying ta' stray from the norm here. Also, I haven't seen the movie for a while now so if anything is innacurate or unrealistic cry me a river. I'll fix it next time I see the film.

YES. Gabriel is interpreted as male in this, but not via missing/non existent genitalia. He technically has no gender.

Plus he's interpreted as male in the comic book Hellblazer, so teeharlaffhaha. Enjoy :3.

Also, I don't own any Constantine characters or related content. I simply sodomize them with mycharm andwit.

Sick Sense of Humor

John Constantine wasn't a very social man, even if he used to hang around lost puppy teenagers and pretentious angry females six out of seven days in a week. For the chain-smoker, it wasn't that he didn't enjoy spending time with acquaintances or friends: it was that he _hated _spending time with _specific_ acquaintances and friends John especially despised it when former half-breed angels that he was apparently "buddies" with came strutting into his apartment as if they fucking owned the place and made superficial claims like, "I have no where left to go," and "you should've shot me when you had the chance," (He agreed).

Of course, it was also fact that John Constantine couldn't dismiss the stubs on his companion's shoulder blades, where the boy's (though this"buddy" hadno gender) wings once were didn't look too healthy. The feathered stumps were disgusting to look at and based on observation Constantine concluded that theywere in factinfected. The remaining feathers were a chocolate shade from dried blood, scabbed over; the wounds where the appendages were removed a disconcerting greening color; infection alright. It was impossible to deny that ever since former arch angel Gabriel had come in to mortality, he was in need of a "how to take care of yourself, you dumb ass 101".

"I can't go to the doctor," Gabriel tilted his head towards the floor.

Yeah, that's true, Constantine thought. What the fuck would a doctor say at the pair of half-rotted wing stumps?

"I hate you…" Constantine took a _long _drag of his cigarette as he admired the options open for dealing with this pathetic excuse of a human being.

Gabriel shifted his weight from foot to foot, smiling. The same glint in his eyes from better days was still apparent, discharging their freshly stained past. To John, it seemed as if nothing had happened, as if they hadn't encountered Satan just a week ago, or retained scars from the whole 'predicament' – to put it lightly. The way he saw it, it was as if Gabriel hadn't fucking seen enough, hadn't fucking been through 'hell' (no pun intended, he thought); but then maybe that was expected; after all, that kid always had a sick sense of humor.

"Well, I'm having a shower then if you're just going to stay quiet", Gabriel declared, "And besides, since I'm mortal now I figure maybe hygiene is a formidable practice," The half-breed mockingly bowed out of the room.

"Have you even had one shower since the incident?" Constantine asked, demoting his cigarette from his mouth to the floor.

"Nope," Gabriel replied, brushing off Constantine's words with his flippant tone. He nudged open the bathroom door.

Constantine shook his head. Although normally the man hated to see his friends suffer, Gabriel hurting himself was funny. The demon slayer decided it might be a good laugh or five when the boy realized that his infected wings were worse then he was admitting and that cleaning them out so bluntly with a shower wasn't exactly ideal. Constantine decided if they gave out merit badges for irony, Gabriel would fill up quite a few sashes.

But then, Gabriel didn't fully understand the fact that pain was a warning that something's _wrong_. It was also possible that Gabriel had forgotten what "pain" was and just how much "pain" hurt. Or maybe to Gabriel it was funny, because he was still switching from being half-human to "purebred". Maybe he should punch the little son of a bitch again and make him remember. Now _that_ would be something to laugh about.

Constantine pulled out his shiny new Zippo lighter and started up another cigarette, inhaling that savory life robbing nicotine. The man loved to smoke, he knew it. There was nothing more daunting then fifteen minutes between cigarettes and that was something no crappy gum could fix. Yeah, after the "incident" as he had nicknamed it, he tried the chewable sticky shit and the poor guy just couldn't do it. Constantine needed his cancer.

"SHIT, CHRIST, MOTHER-FUCK. JOHN," Came a voice so abruptly, it blared out from the apartment lavatory. John sighed, feeling the moment he and his tobacco stick had enjoyed go out like a puff of smoke. He sauntered towards a nude Gabriel whimpering on the bathroom floor, the corners John's mouth twitched. The kid had left the shower on.

When he reached the door, the demon slayer took another one of his trademark _long _drags, casting the rest of the cigarette into the bathtub. The dark and broody hero had a rather smug look on his face.

"You may be wise, Gabe, but you certainly lack human intellect, considering you're the reject of a league that used to be above them," John remarked, and would be more then happy to do so again.

"You're not funny, Constantine..." Gabriel's reddened eyes moistening. The once half-breed put his pants back on, but ignored the shirt, knowing that it would agitate his wounds.

"I think I'm damn hilarious compared to you. Had this happened to someone else and not you're scrawny little ass I think you'd be sobbing from laughing so hard," John's voice was laced with a hint of hostility, "You're a fucking sick little kid, you know that right? You've got a gross sense of humor,"

"Just… can you fix it?" Gabriel asked.

The demon slayer's face softened slightly. Yeah, he'd been in pain like that before, in fact he'd been through worse, so why should he help the little fucker? All the stupid half breed did was offer lame advice and tell him there's no hope for getting into heaven. How John would've loved to take all those words Gabriel spoke about there being no point in trying and throttle him with them.

But John was going to heaven now, so there would be plenty of time for smothering the boy with "I told you so's" another day.

"Um… John?" Gabriel asked sounding more pathetic then any person the smoker had ever seen in his _life._

Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out another cigarette and slipped it between his lips, Constantine needed some way to keep himself from stressing out about the stupid ex-half-breed. But he just looked so damn _helpless. _John acknowledged that for his first time experiencing gaping, un-cleaned wounds, Gabriel was holding up pretty well, even if the dumb kid knew shit about holding his own.

"Get up, I'll clean those damn stumps for you," He sighed, holding his hand out for the former angel to take hold of.

"You're a good man, John Constantine," Gabriel smiled and took the man's hand, standing up.

"Get your ass on the bathtub edge and I'll fix your wounds up. But if you fucking slack and don't keep them clean after you'll be in a lot more hurtin'. I'll take more time to laugh at you then sympathize if that happens," Constantine warned.

"Yes _my lord_," Gabriel mocked. He turned off the shower first, careful not to get his backside wet at risk of screaming like a little girl.

"And shut up," Spoke Constantine in a drawling voice.

Gabriel chuckled, propping himself onto tub's edge.

To Be Continued 3.

End chapter one! Yay, finallee.. I hope you people enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed writing it! And please, the presumed brigade composed of "BUT GABRIEL'S A GIRL" types leave me alone. I wrote this entirely to please myself and those who interpret the half-breed angel as a boy (and like slash). Criticism is welcomed however :3.


	2. Chapter 2

Constantine sighed, hunting about the medicine cabinet in his kitchen. He wondered what the hell a _certain boy _was thinking when he appeared on his doorstep, claiming he had no where to go. That boy was named Gabriel, and by some fucked up twist of fate he now was going to patch up the wounds on the half-breed's backside, where the blonde once sported a healthy looking set of wings. All that remained of the feathered appendages forthwith were two foreboding, infected stumps.

This was why the unfortunate demon slayer tore the medicine cabinet apart, ferreting about for a bottle of peroxide he'd stored in it a while ago. Unfortunately, John was a man with plenty abrasions and health problems, so the chances of locating the sanitizer were very slim, having used most of his medical remedies on himself. His task was not lightened by having to weave through a load of empty Tylenol bottles and other medicinal paraphernalia. John sighed, he felt a twinge of budding frustration, the chain smoker just wanted to get this done with so he could send Gabriel away.

…_But where? _Thought Constantine, the fact that kid had no fucking home proved problematic. However, the concern was instantly pushed aside as the bottle of hydrogen peroxide finally showed it self. John quickly snatched it from the cabinet and grabbed a few paper towels. The man made his way to the restroom.

There was Gabriel, sitting leisurely on the edge of the bathtub, his back turned to John. He clicked his tongue, making his way across the bathroom floor. He paused to hover over Gabriel; the demon slayer heard the light sloshing of water, the boy was soaking his toes. John sighed, lighting up a cigarette he snuck between his lips before he'd left the bathroom.

Gabriel faced the man and smiled at him, Constantine shook his head dismally.

"Turn your backside to me," John instructed, sitting to the right of the boy. He felt a hint of irritation, the foot he placed in the tub became soaked -- sock, pant leg and all. He left his other foot outside of the giant bathing bowl, where it would be safe from the water. The man sat adjacent to the bathtub rim.

"Hurry up, please," Gabriel said; the boy's voice saturated with his unceasing careless attitude. Constantine's lip twitched.

Gabriel lifted a left leg out of the tub, resting it on the opposite side of the rim, the other foot soaking calmly. The throbbing in his backside seemed slightly bearable now that it was about to be done with. Gabriel felt impatient; he readied himself, easing himself between Constantine's legs.

The chain smoker was quiet for a moment, seconds passing with aching suspense. Finally, the man spoke, "I'm going to use a sanitizer," Constantine said. Gabriel's breath hitched.

The boy heard the sound of a bottle cap being removed; the exorcist was preparing his medicinal cure.

"Don't forget to make it quick," Gabriel nagged, feeling antsy.

"I thought I told you to shut up when we agreed I'd fix your wounds," Constantine reminded, dabbing what was hydrogen peroxide into a folded napkin. He, in Gabriel's favor, quickly administered the Cure to the first shoulder blade.

Gabriel went rigid, biting into his lower lip. The pain seemed to amplify, _spreading _throughout his back. He arched forward, whimpering and pulling at his hair. The boy felt the fine threads of sanity threatening to leave him, the hurt punishing his backside.

Constantine gently dabbed at the shoulder blades, although he felt hesitant since Gabriel's reaction to the peroxide unnerved him. The bubbling of the sanitizer seemed to be mimicking the effect of shower foam, it was _absolutely repulsive. _ Yet he had to pity him, Gabriel had a clueless method to keep healthy and that wasn't exactly his fault, even if becoming human was. One thing Constantine had to give the boy credit for was not crying out, the former half breed kept his painful expressions to wincing and whimpering.

John could feel the seconds tick by as he cleaned the raw shoulder blade, he sighed. This was taking too long.

"Fuck it. I don't have the time, Gab," Constantine said suddenly.

The grip Gabriel had on his hair loosened, "What do you mean, John?" his voice creaky and nervous.

"Hold still," Came Constantine's cryptic reply.

The man stood up, taking a second to balance himself as he proceeded to _dump_ half the contents of the peroxide bottle over Gabriel's backside. Constantine felt guilt jab at him, but he knew it was for _Gabriel's sake. _Constantine aptly sealed the bottle, throwing it aside, sitting promptly. The exorcist grabbed Gabriel around the waist, shoving the boy's backside into his chest, even though he knew dried blood and other infectious ooze would cake it. That wasn't what was important right now.

What was important was shutting Gabriel up, who was currently breaching the "shut up while I clean your ugly ass shoulder blades," rule, screaming so loudly it would make the ears of the holy Mother herself, bleed.

"It HURTS!" Were the only intelligible words the boy managed during his outcry.

Constantine swung his arm around Gabriel's shoulder, smothering his forearm against the half-breed's face.

"Bite down, kid, don't scream," Constantine instructed.

Gabriel _bit. _ Constantine clenched his teeth at the pain, but no effort was made to stop the boy from doing what needed to be done. Tears swelled in Gabriel's eyes as he grinded his teeth into the man's arm, shrieking into the back of his throat. Constantine felt relief sweep him, the noise of Gabriel's screaming was being drowned out by the thick fabric of his overcoat and bruising skin. 

All the man could do now was keep the boy close to him, make sure he didn't try to get away or move too far so he could express agony uninhibited. It was at this point that Constantine _knew _Gabriel wouldn't be straying from his apartment any time soon. The smoker had dug his own grave when he offered to clean out the wounds on his shoulder blades. He knew this wouldn't be the last time he'd be dealing with those ugly stumps, either. One magical dump of peroxide just wouldn't cut it.

Constantine spat his cigarette into the tub; it had almost become one long cylindrical ash, he'd forgotten the cancer stick's existence in the heat of the moment.

The minutes began to feel like hours. Gabriel's seemingly relentless screaming and nipping into his arm tapered off. His jaw slackened, freeing the man's arm. Gabriel rested against Constantine for a few minutes, careful of his tender backside. Gabriel felt awkward, kind of silly even. Here he was, screaming like a child with a scraped knee into Constantine's _arm_, but even worse he'd shed tears over it. He'd _cried. _ Although it wasn't a huge deal, it was irritating that he'd displayed that kind of vulnerability. The boy sighed, waiting for Constantine to make some crack at his actions. But all he got was the man's quiet breathing and uncomfortable shifting. The man seemed bothered by something.

"What now?" Gabriel asked.

Constantine's first response was silence as he contemplated his next move.

"I'll wash your back," Constantine declared, reaching forward and turning on the bath tub taps, the water that sprayed forth was calming and warm.

Constantine soaked the napkins, the heated water dripping freely down Gabriel's spine as he cleaned it, the boy whimpered and jerked in pain. The man sighed, squeezing out the rest of the water, washing off the dried blood and residual bubbles from the peroxide. Constantine reached behind himself, tugging a clean towel from bathroom's rack, using it to gently dry of Gabriel's spine. He dabbed gingerly, the boy still flinching from the contact.

The man stood up, leaving Gabriel in silence. He strolled casually into the kitchen, shedding his coat and shirt, which were both caked with old blood and peroxide. Grabbing a spare t-shirt, black in color, he re-opened the medicine cabinet; the shelves were almost empty now, the bottles of Tylenol and other medicinal appurtenances still strewn about the floor in a frustrated heap. All that remained was a bandage wrap; Constantine seized it from the cabinet and walked back into the bathroom, putting on his t-shirt.

"Hey, Brat from the Black Lagoon, living room -- couch, now," Constantine demanded, passing by the door and out of Gabriel's view.

Gabriel lifted himself from the bathtub rim, walking with a stiff spine into the living room. There Constantine sat on his old leather sofa, leaning back with crossed legs. He was puffing at yet another cigarette, staring at the boy with clouded eyes. John patted the empty cushion beside him, straightening his posture as he prepared to finish patching up the boy.

Gabriel smirked, fixing himself next to Constantine, lying down with his back to the ceiling as he plopped his head in the man's lap. They rested there, for what Constantine would later regard as a dragging, constipated, uncomfortable silence. There was a tension neither of them would reach out to name, nor make an effort to stop. Something Constantine didn't even want to think about, really. So he dismissed it after a few minutes of disconcerting quiet.

"Get up. I need to bandage up your back…" John's voice was small, casting a veil over their moment of awkward stillness.

Gabriel was surprisingly consistent with his obedience that night. Sitting up unquestioningly, staying mute as he allowed Constantine to work the ivory colored bandages over his torso. They sat -- the tension from less then a minute before resuming as John fastened the wrap over the boy's chest.

Constantine was careful around the wounds, delicately dressing the feathered stumps, making sure to keep the bandages tightly wound around his shoulders. John sighed. The sudden lack of noise gave him a moment to think. Gabriel couldn't stay here, but what should he do with the kid? In the demon slayer's mind there was too much shit between them, it would be…well, weird to have the boy stay at his place. But he knew he was virtually powerless to stop Gabriel from doing as he pleased, that kid was pretty fucking adamant in his decisions; His way, or the highway – no respect. But yet he had to admit in a fucked up delusional, possible alternate reality, the boy was a little bit likable, just a _little. _John made a point of bestowing little affection towards the half breed, as he did with most people, so saying that he found the kid to be okay was a no go. But John decided he'd let him…stay, to say the least, but choosing to continue with the "I had no choice" frame of mind.

As Constantine finished with the boy's bandages, he decided to test the waters, "So, where're you going, now?"

Gabriel made a slight jump at the words, behaving comically uncertain, "Well, I thought you might be feeling noble,"

"You want to stay here?"

"…Yup," Gabriel stated.

"And if I said no?" Constantine challenged.

"I'd stay anyways," Gabriel grinned, turning around to face Constantine, legs crossed underneath his bum as he somehow managed to fit his entire body onto one little cushion. The boy flaunted a flirtatious grin, one that made the man want to give the kid a good punch in the face, or… well he didn't dwell on the alternative to throwing fists for more then half a second.

Constantine sighed, shoving the boy hard as he stood up, checking his watch. Gabriel's posture faltered briefly, like an off balance chair, but he righted himself quickly, giggling. Constantine shook his head at the half breed then shook his head at the time: One thirty AM and barely a wink of sleep. John told himself it was indeed a shitty night, but since his back was to the boy, he took that moment to smile.

TBC again. :3 Sorry this chapter took so long luffie duffies, but I am one of those lazy ass writers. I WILL continue this. I promise. I just need to see the movie again so I can keep the characterization in check.

In the next chapter…. GABRIEL'S GENDER becomes a hot topic, and maybe even the possibility of sex 8D I'm not sure yet.


End file.
